last thoughts

good luck wif your coming quizs and tests! love you baby

yes baby! we MADE IT! wahahhahaha wow. 1 year, i couldn't believe it. we made it! oh well, you must be sleeping like a pig now. (as usual) :P jus wanna say, you are LOVE by me!!! dun worry be happy! love you lots. xiang

my life is probably, correction my life IS spent too much on 1) waiting for others 2) fulfilling the many expectations the ones i love set for me 3) training for something that i ain't pretty much interested in at the age of 19 4) being a hypocrite, i don't get why i'm pushing kids to study when i simply hate it 5) surfing the net, googling, getting way to tied down by emails and updating 6) watching too much unhealthy porn, note: unhealthy 7) packing and packing, the packing never seems to end 8) wondering how i should get my hair done 9) taking in too much drinks and of course food and lastly 10) trying wayyy too hard to make things that are impossible to try to work my life IS better spent at 1) writing a fiction, something i've been wanting to do since i was 16 2) doing more spiritual shopping, cds and books 3) drinking alone 4) ditching everyone and just be a loner, seriously i should 5) reading 6) studying 7) driving 8) eating 9) sleeping 10) taking great care of ...

It marks the end of the break. Self-declared one. And I felt like shit as I dragged myself out of bed then out of house and took the train for my 8.30 tuition session. I’m just keeping it, it meaning my life, on a low expensed one. The cut of cabs and the cut of impulsive spending, denoting all the cuts to places that are better off. Without a second thought, I just transferred the money and I’m thinking, specifically now, I must have lost my mind. I had my coffee and it probably calmed me down a little. Yes. I’m lying. I just want to have a me time today for the final time before I just get settling with my daily fucking routine. If I hadn’t promise to get back today, with this week in mind, I probably had more time. I took a bus home last night thinking of the simple life back then. It only looked simple to me now. Not back then. It was hectic for a young kid. I liked the life back then, and so I did comfortably sank back into the life then. Then. I hate the emotional tension. Trying...

It’s not the alcohol. I really meant what I said. Perhaps it’s all the love and attention I’ve been receiving from all those people all these while. It struck on me that maybe there was never a day the difference was being fogged. The clear line stood there as I tried my best just to overlook that. But as time passes, as I slowly got back to the life I once had, I went back to that bitch I was before. It starts to irk me even though deep down I do pray some sort of intellectually sophisticated self would emerge from far. Yet I must be too foolish to keep that faith. Subjective views with all the giving in-s without those understandings. I must be crazy. For a moment, I thought I must have been crazy and desperate. Someone does need to tell me that I’m just blinded and ended up all in desperation. I’m not going to be like any other one who is going to boldly announce, “never a moment have I regretted all this.” Its bullshit, isn’t it? I constantly find myself stuck in a position of not ...

I sat at the ledge for almost an hour. Reflecting. and talking to myself all over again. With so many things running through my head together with a list to to-dos to be done. I have no idea what I'm busy with everyday. I probably spent most of my time walking, waiting, queueing than doing real solid work. I waited at the hospital today for the entire morning just to get half an hour of my therapist's time. Then I waited 20 minutes for a bloody cab which took like 20 minutes for me to reach home. I probably took another 20 minutes to get back to my house due to that stupid pain. Then I waited for a Mum to call while finishing up the last CV I had for the day. That took about an hour until she finally called. Ran through my emails and shoot out the mails that has to be replied by today. Flipped through a list of bills and papers to realize I have yet to book a fucking appointment with NYP. Packed my lists of sheets and all, pondered for a while when I look at the application for...

You'll never know what's wrong unless you talk to her about it. Yes, and that's what I've been told. But just take a good look at the hostile behaviour whenever this issue is being brought into the picture. It never seems to bring about world peace. If I'm born lucky and am not aware of how fortunate I am. (which obviously she has been harping every singl moment I talk to her) My mum's born lucky too and have never ever counted her blessings. Well, truth is that our lives has indeed degraded in a way I never expected it to be. Neither has she. But compared to many others out there, excluding her friends and our relatives and the people around us, it's been an ok life already. IMO yet again. At least my dad ain't abusive. At least she didn't have to slog to bring home any income like what most mums do. At least she has 2 kids who are pretty good in their studies and what not aspects. At least no matter how bad I am, how impulsive I am. I managed to ge...

我不是不想帮 只不过今天当我走出大门的时候 看了看天 再看了看眼前的一字一句 心一阵灰了 我不愿意尽我所能帮到底 我曾经会不顾一切 暂时放下一切 甚至于利用他人 去帮自己关心的人 只不过到头来会发现自己或许傻得可怜 如果有人愿意为我傻傻的付出 那我或许也是傻傻付出的另个女人 别人为你而傻 傻得可笑 自己为他人而傻 为什么会傻得可悲？ 原来温柔附带条件 只是你没发现 只不过我尝试视而不见 如果是心理作祟 或许人生会好过一点 但接二连三 是否是巧合 我气我累 但也无所谓 因为感觉越来越强烈 因为近来常常失望而归 曾经常被指责于不愿付出 不曾付出 但是为什么当人慢慢学会付出的当儿 却似乎不被得到认同 为什么最终是个恶性循环 他人为我傻 我为他人昏 他人为你付出 你为他人痴痴等待 世上并非毫无情字可言 但愿痴心汉 傻得可悲 笨得可怜

i'm just afraid history might repeat itself that little devil tells me it's just going to end up like how the last relationship was. 2 years. no 3? or 4. as much as i don't want it to be like whatever that has happened years back. but the temptation is just too much to bear. i'm just a tad bit disappointed when i'm clear headed but all that cravings just got so overwhelmed during that spur of moment. yes i'm blinded. and i'm aware of that. but people haven't been reminding me that fact these days so i just sleep it off, taking a step at a time and just resigning to fate. since god loves giving me challenges all the time, i'm prepared to get over and done with, with this test. but somehow, there's an ache there. i still do hope and pray it's not the way i felt. i just hope that i'm being paranoid and over sensitive. sometimes i wonder, how come i'm blessed with a clear headed soul. i'd rather be those stupid naive girls who just bl...

if everything is worth that much of my efforts. if there is a certain point you start wondering if your efforts are being paid off for what it's worth, then the answer's right there, isn't it? perhaps just holding on still a little might turn the tables everything is perfectly fine for now. in fact too smooth to be true. but well, when i'm always doing well in some factor and hell, i'll be meeting some real challenges further on. that's what always happen. my parents have been telling me to start picking the schools partly because they fear i won't get accepted by any of them. there's nothing to be worried about. i'm always lucky when it comes to admissions and interviews. in fact, i excel in them all. i've never exactly failed any of them as far as i remember, unlike my brother who seems to be failing his interviews all the time. and my mum was saying. please try to appear to be hardworking. i asked her why? she said it was to avoid jealousy. it...