I sat at the ledge for almost an hour.
Reflecting. and talking to myself all over again. With so many things running through my head together with a list to to-dos to be done. I have no idea what I'm busy with everyday. I probably spent most of my time walking, waiting, queueing than doing real solid work.
I waited at the hospital today for the entire morning just to get half an hour of my therapist's time. Then I waited 20 minutes for a bloody cab which took like 20 minutes for me to reach home. I probably took another 20 minutes to get back to my house due to that stupid pain. Then I waited for a Mum to call while finishing up the last CV I had for the day. That took about an hour until she finally called. Ran through my emails and shoot out the mails that has to be replied by today. Flipped through a list of bills and papers to realize I have yet to book a fucking appointment with NYP. Packed my lists of sheets and all, pondered for a while when I look at the application form, wondering if I'll be accepted. That took another half an hour. And I waited for my mum to get my lunch ready while I bathed, shaved, and bear with that intolerable pain. That took another 45 minutes in total. Munched my lunch off while dressing myself and then find some cash that I probably stuck loosely in my bags. Waited for my dad to get himself ready so he could get me a lift to the lrt. Dragged myself into the car and out and to the platform and took the lrt. It took me a total of an hr and 30minutes. I arrived at Novena and walked towards that private apartment which probably took me 20 minutes. And I waited for the kid to wake up for 15 minutes. She cried for another 45 minutes. I forced her to have tuition for another half an hour before dragging myself out of her house feeling so fucked up with her giving me the shit all the time. And walked towards novena again not in the least happy that I'm allowed to skip training today. That took me 20 minutes when my mum called to say she was picking me up. I took a detour walked back to the guardhouse which took me 15 minutes. So.
I sat on the ledge for an hour. Because I waited for an hour.
To realize the entire day has passed and people are rushing back home from work. I did nothing for the entire day. My life has no stress. I get paid enough to have a good meal almost every other day to take cabs during peak hours and I just spent like a few hundreds last week on shoes clothes earrings. And I do not have much savings.
Most people have the habit of crying whenever they are in pain. But I always find myself spending money on food like how I spent 30 bucks on a meal alone yesterday. Times that with the no. of days I'm in pain for the entire month of February which is probably 13 and still counting. In addition to the amount of money I've spent on just buying stuffs and eating on the go whenever I feel like shit. I probably calculated the amount and am able to get myself a driving license. And probably a new laptop in the next 2 months.
I wonder why I have to bear with the pain every single day and take the shit that is being thrown at me, say those bastard spoilt kids. And having to tolerate my brother's nonsense about being crazy over girls like he has never dated before. And having to just live each day through with the pain. It's painful and nobody can be bothered about my pain. and I'll just go fuck by myself and stop myself from thinking of the pain.
There are probably many ways to that. I took the most expensive way but the healthiest compared to the many others like say smoking and drinking and popping painkillers.
Then I ask god. Like what the girl always does.
She always asks me this and that. I never fail to ask her to ask god. But god never seems to give her the answer. So I tried. I asked god. God didn't give me any answer.
He gave me a good life even though all the shit I have to see myself through. He gave me someone who loves me, well probably have had loved me, still loves me but not that much, am still loving me. He gave me a bunch of other people who loves me, and will tell me that yan, I do love you and care for you. He gave me a functional family not so yet but something I can do with. He gave me a loving dad who always provides me with a 5star life even though he will probably lead a 3star life. He gave me a fucking irritating mum who is always trying to make my life miserable, which she just did like 15 minutes ago by forcing my brother to make me promise something. He gave my 2 brothers that love me very much, one as long as I give him r/s advice, the other as long as I gossip about my other brother with him. He gave me some intelligence that many would say I'm smart to a certain extent. He gave me a well to do face that is good enough not to be ugly and receive compliments at least once in 2 days which is probably 30% made up of politeness. He gave me breasts that my so far only one has complained it is small but I quite like it except for the fact it has started to sag after my last operation, I didn't get a transplant though. He gave me a figure that sometimes is so hourglass but many times ugly yet I am contented, at least I don't go around starving myself like many girls and my friends do, at least I don't complain for the fact that I am fat although I always get like you are fat at a rate of more than 5 times a day.
God gave me a good life. He once gave me a very good life that perhaps some have never had and will never have in their entire life.
Just as I thought life is so fucking miserable. He probably sent his little angel to get everything so well planned for me. I managed to get back with my trainings that I had stopped for coming 4 years and I'm glad that I ran into my ex coach that day. And he found me some nice kids even though I never exactly had much patience. He blessed me into knowing this kid's mum whom I've never met but trusts me that much to entrust so many things into my hands. Which I'm really glad and view that responsibility very deeply to the extent I'm always constantly there whenever she needs me.
Everytime I want to hate God. God makes me love him.
But with the pain today. I feel miserable. If I was to live with the pain every single day, what kind of life is that. I'd rather have a not so good life than have to bear with the pain. I'd rather be born into a family that has no silver spoon to offer. Because if so, the pain can be gone, I can work harder to achieve what I want. I've never ever complained of hard work. Because I don't mind and I'm always willing to work to bring myself to a better place but fuck the hell with the pain I'm not willing to bear.
and I sat at the ledge thinking of my pain.
and about my mum whom I'm waiting for, who made me wait for an hour when I told her I can get home myself but insisted on picking me and who is making me miserable.
There are so many things that happened in the past hour that I really need someone to talk to. But there is really no one I can be honest with. perhaps there's only one thing I can't find someone to be honest with. But as usual, time is the factor. Everyone else is probably busy, as usual.
I'm going to sit at the ledge again next saturday.
Reflecting. and talking to myself all over again. With so many things running through my head together with a list to to-dos to be done. I have no idea what I'm busy with everyday. I probably spent most of my time walking, waiting, queueing than doing real solid work.
I waited at the hospital today for the entire morning just to get half an hour of my therapist's time. Then I waited 20 minutes for a bloody cab which took like 20 minutes for me to reach home. I probably took another 20 minutes to get back to my house due to that stupid pain. Then I waited for a Mum to call while finishing up the last CV I had for the day. That took about an hour until she finally called. Ran through my emails and shoot out the mails that has to be replied by today. Flipped through a list of bills and papers to realize I have yet to book a fucking appointment with NYP. Packed my lists of sheets and all, pondered for a while when I look at the application form, wondering if I'll be accepted. That took another half an hour. And I waited for my mum to get my lunch ready while I bathed, shaved, and bear with that intolerable pain. That took another 45 minutes in total. Munched my lunch off while dressing myself and then find some cash that I probably stuck loosely in my bags. Waited for my dad to get himself ready so he could get me a lift to the lrt. Dragged myself into the car and out and to the platform and took the lrt. It took me a total of an hr and 30minutes. I arrived at Novena and walked towards that private apartment which probably took me 20 minutes. And I waited for the kid to wake up for 15 minutes. She cried for another 45 minutes. I forced her to have tuition for another half an hour before dragging myself out of her house feeling so fucked up with her giving me the shit all the time. And walked towards novena again not in the least happy that I'm allowed to skip training today. That took me 20 minutes when my mum called to say she was picking me up. I took a detour walked back to the guardhouse which took me 15 minutes. So.
I sat on the ledge for an hour. Because I waited for an hour.
To realize the entire day has passed and people are rushing back home from work. I did nothing for the entire day. My life has no stress. I get paid enough to have a good meal almost every other day to take cabs during peak hours and I just spent like a few hundreds last week on shoes clothes earrings. And I do not have much savings.
Most people have the habit of crying whenever they are in pain. But I always find myself spending money on food like how I spent 30 bucks on a meal alone yesterday. Times that with the no. of days I'm in pain for the entire month of February which is probably 13 and still counting. In addition to the amount of money I've spent on just buying stuffs and eating on the go whenever I feel like shit. I probably calculated the amount and am able to get myself a driving license. And probably a new laptop in the next 2 months.
I wonder why I have to bear with the pain every single day and take the shit that is being thrown at me, say those bastard spoilt kids. And having to tolerate my brother's nonsense about being crazy over girls like he has never dated before. And having to just live each day through with the pain. It's painful and nobody can be bothered about my pain. and I'll just go fuck by myself and stop myself from thinking of the pain.
There are probably many ways to that. I took the most expensive way but the healthiest compared to the many others like say smoking and drinking and popping painkillers.
Then I ask god. Like what the girl always does.
She always asks me this and that. I never fail to ask her to ask god. But god never seems to give her the answer. So I tried. I asked god. God didn't give me any answer.
He gave me a good life even though all the shit I have to see myself through. He gave me someone who loves me, well probably have had loved me, still loves me but not that much, am still loving me. He gave me a bunch of other people who loves me, and will tell me that yan, I do love you and care for you. He gave me a functional family not so yet but something I can do with. He gave me a loving dad who always provides me with a 5star life even though he will probably lead a 3star life. He gave me a fucking irritating mum who is always trying to make my life miserable, which she just did like 15 minutes ago by forcing my brother to make me promise something. He gave my 2 brothers that love me very much, one as long as I give him r/s advice, the other as long as I gossip about my other brother with him. He gave me some intelligence that many would say I'm smart to a certain extent. He gave me a well to do face that is good enough not to be ugly and receive compliments at least once in 2 days which is probably 30% made up of politeness. He gave me breasts that my so far only one has complained it is small but I quite like it except for the fact it has started to sag after my last operation, I didn't get a transplant though. He gave me a figure that sometimes is so hourglass but many times ugly yet I am contented, at least I don't go around starving myself like many girls and my friends do, at least I don't complain for the fact that I am fat although I always get like you are fat at a rate of more than 5 times a day.
God gave me a good life. He once gave me a very good life that perhaps some have never had and will never have in their entire life.
Just as I thought life is so fucking miserable. He probably sent his little angel to get everything so well planned for me. I managed to get back with my trainings that I had stopped for coming 4 years and I'm glad that I ran into my ex coach that day. And he found me some nice kids even though I never exactly had much patience. He blessed me into knowing this kid's mum whom I've never met but trusts me that much to entrust so many things into my hands. Which I'm really glad and view that responsibility very deeply to the extent I'm always constantly there whenever she needs me.
Everytime I want to hate God. God makes me love him.
But with the pain today. I feel miserable. If I was to live with the pain every single day, what kind of life is that. I'd rather have a not so good life than have to bear with the pain. I'd rather be born into a family that has no silver spoon to offer. Because if so, the pain can be gone, I can work harder to achieve what I want. I've never ever complained of hard work. Because I don't mind and I'm always willing to work to bring myself to a better place but fuck the hell with the pain I'm not willing to bear.
and I sat at the ledge thinking of my pain.
and about my mum whom I'm waiting for, who made me wait for an hour when I told her I can get home myself but insisted on picking me and who is making me miserable.
There are so many things that happened in the past hour that I really need someone to talk to. But there is really no one I can be honest with. perhaps there's only one thing I can't find someone to be honest with. But as usual, time is the factor. Everyone else is probably busy, as usual.
I'm going to sit at the ledge again next saturday.
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