It’s not the alcohol.
I really meant what I said. Perhaps it’s all the love and attention I’ve been receiving from all those people all these while.
It struck on me that maybe there was never a day the difference was being fogged. The clear line stood there as I tried my best just to overlook that. But as time passes, as I slowly got back to the life I once had, I went back to that bitch I was before.
It starts to irk me even though deep down I do pray some sort of intellectually sophisticated self would emerge from far. Yet I must be too foolish to keep that faith. Subjective views with all the giving in-s without those understandings.
I must be crazy. For a moment, I thought I must have been crazy and desperate.
Someone does need to tell me that I’m just blinded and ended up all in desperation. I’m not going to be like any other one who is going to boldly announce, “never a moment have I regretted all this.” Its bullshit, isn’t it?
I constantly find myself stuck in a position of not being able to express myself, my views, my thoughts, and my soul as freely. I don’t seek recognition, I don’t seek an audience. I just need to share, not preach. Sharing specifically. Exclusively.
The drinking has been there for some time. Some days it’s coffee. Some nights it’s alcohol. It just keeps me thinking. Weighing it all in the best logical reasoning I can ever come up with. And I head home where all that feelings mess me up. So I stood. In that grey area. In all that ambiguity.
I get these reactions from people that it’s supposed to be over. It should be. It’s just a habit with all that vulnerabilities overwhelming me from the start.
But she wasn’t willing to let it go.
Do you really want to know, she said.
It would seem she’s on her way,
It’s more, more than just a dream
She put on her stockings and shoes
Had nothing to lose – she said it was worth it
What does one mean to you?
You may just never find another one of that kind if you miss it and give a pass.
Not everyone is the same. We don’t have exactly the exact same background, the same life obstacles, the same feelings, the same thoughts. Replicas may seem to be everywhere. But the differences do exist.
Maybe it’s just me.
Maybe my views and all it’s just different. It’s way too extreme. But never am I going to expect myself to take on a new perspective. At 19 going on 20, I’m supposed to have that mindset of one that is going through that phase. As much as I yearn to have that. I don’t think I do. It’s all that fear with all that optimism that may just perish away with time, with human’s greed, with what adulthood has anticipating for us.
Because one can’t bear that much a fall.
I’ve always wanted to ask. Why is that we’ve never exactly did anything wrong but we never seem to be able to fight for justice in reality? We just place all that in the hands of god, religiously believing in karma.
That being righteous generates good karma. But maybe there’s no karma. There’s no god. There’s just only earth.
It just keeps playing on repeat by itself. Learning to accept and changing to another person, adapting to a new self has been difficult. You no longer get the scares. You just wake up to a life of uncertainties. Some days, it looks cheery with all the breeze. Some days, it’s just the dark clouds hovering over you, unsure when it’s going to fall.
There is always the good and the evil. The good never seems to be having a life that seems good. The evil seems just to be enjoying life. Enlighten me. Either that, I’m just living in the wrong circle, meeting the wrong ones, being the wrong self.
Getting all my facts mixed up.
I do wish it was just hallucination on my part.
But it isn’t, is it?
Every winter was a war,
I want to get what’s mine.
I really meant what I said. Perhaps it’s all the love and attention I’ve been receiving from all those people all these while.
It struck on me that maybe there was never a day the difference was being fogged. The clear line stood there as I tried my best just to overlook that. But as time passes, as I slowly got back to the life I once had, I went back to that bitch I was before.
It starts to irk me even though deep down I do pray some sort of intellectually sophisticated self would emerge from far. Yet I must be too foolish to keep that faith. Subjective views with all the giving in-s without those understandings.
I must be crazy. For a moment, I thought I must have been crazy and desperate.
Someone does need to tell me that I’m just blinded and ended up all in desperation. I’m not going to be like any other one who is going to boldly announce, “never a moment have I regretted all this.” Its bullshit, isn’t it?
I constantly find myself stuck in a position of not being able to express myself, my views, my thoughts, and my soul as freely. I don’t seek recognition, I don’t seek an audience. I just need to share, not preach. Sharing specifically. Exclusively.
The drinking has been there for some time. Some days it’s coffee. Some nights it’s alcohol. It just keeps me thinking. Weighing it all in the best logical reasoning I can ever come up with. And I head home where all that feelings mess me up. So I stood. In that grey area. In all that ambiguity.
I get these reactions from people that it’s supposed to be over. It should be. It’s just a habit with all that vulnerabilities overwhelming me from the start.
But she wasn’t willing to let it go.
Do you really want to know, she said.
It would seem she’s on her way,
It’s more, more than just a dream
She put on her stockings and shoes
Had nothing to lose – she said it was worth it
What does one mean to you?
You may just never find another one of that kind if you miss it and give a pass.
Not everyone is the same. We don’t have exactly the exact same background, the same life obstacles, the same feelings, the same thoughts. Replicas may seem to be everywhere. But the differences do exist.
Maybe it’s just me.
Maybe my views and all it’s just different. It’s way too extreme. But never am I going to expect myself to take on a new perspective. At 19 going on 20, I’m supposed to have that mindset of one that is going through that phase. As much as I yearn to have that. I don’t think I do. It’s all that fear with all that optimism that may just perish away with time, with human’s greed, with what adulthood has anticipating for us.
Because one can’t bear that much a fall.
I’ve always wanted to ask. Why is that we’ve never exactly did anything wrong but we never seem to be able to fight for justice in reality? We just place all that in the hands of god, religiously believing in karma.
That being righteous generates good karma. But maybe there’s no karma. There’s no god. There’s just only earth.
It just keeps playing on repeat by itself. Learning to accept and changing to another person, adapting to a new self has been difficult. You no longer get the scares. You just wake up to a life of uncertainties. Some days, it looks cheery with all the breeze. Some days, it’s just the dark clouds hovering over you, unsure when it’s going to fall.
There is always the good and the evil. The good never seems to be having a life that seems good. The evil seems just to be enjoying life. Enlighten me. Either that, I’m just living in the wrong circle, meeting the wrong ones, being the wrong self.
Getting all my facts mixed up.
I do wish it was just hallucination on my part.
But it isn’t, is it?
Every winter was a war,
I want to get what’s mine.
Comments