2007
2006
It’s so far the fastest year ever. Just like what fm says, it seems like you just woke up from a sleep and it has all come to an end.
I guess it’s been a tiring year with lots of confessions, truths, drama, changes.
And within this year, I think I’ve had conversations more that I ever had with them for the years I knew them. We get together to realize each and everyone of us has a side unknown to the world of light and as we welcome another brand new day, it seems that that humanity hidden deep beneath just vanishes into thin air. Back we are the ones whom we are supposed to be, expected to be. That fabricated self.
Fabrications are always the lovely tales that people remember. It’s better to live in a world of delusions filled with that nicely done up lies than to be showered by those cold harsh truth.
I think I’ve become psychotic over the year. If not for the fact I try to stay closeted, I might perhaps been ostracized by everyone. Maybe I’m closeted within my own fabrications that I do not realize I’ve been boycotted.
Being blinded was the best thing that ever happened for this year. At least it accompanied me through and made me believe for the fact that I was in the slightest happiness. But we do know, it just made me miserable. I just tried to ignore it.
Till day, I’m still trying my very best to stay blinded as possible. Because I still believe. In myself? In you actually. But I’m too aware that I’ve dragged you down to drown within that misery that I’ve planted.
Things might have been different.
For god’s sake. I think I’ve heard this countless times this year. And every single time I look at someone, you, him, her. It just reminds me how badly that person might have wanted things to be different. And you just look away, yes and still trying to take it that nothing happened and walk away without feeling the need to trash things out.
Because it will never make a difference again. But I guess, it affected me in a way or another.
Sometimes I do wish it was just me. That it was just my illusions that’s haunting me but no. Because you tried confronting and look straight into that pair of eyes and you don’t get any assurance back in a way or another. And you have to say something to wrap whatever you wanted from that party nicely. Hang it up as an ornament on that tree of disappointments.
There was a man who cried.
And I hate him.
For all that hard efforts I actually had to go through to make each day pass by. For all the dilemma and frustrations I had to go through at the moment. For all that sacrifices I had to make. For making my life not like a 19 year old but one that has to be carried with responsibilities for what I do what I say and every decision that I fucking make. Because I am tired, physically and mentally. And he made my life change. Like my life has not changed enough, one has to add to my misery of it.
And for every step I take, I not only look up to the sky and ask god why it has to rain and why the sun is so hot today. But I still remember every single word and every single fight and every single tear. I never really thought of harming anyone but hell, since I have to pay for something I am not guilty of but was as charged. Someone has to pay for all that cause right?
Because it not only make me completely lost but has taken almost everything I have left in this world. And maybe some people do not realize the pain of losing but some day, some people have to learn that. And of course, I’m still not brave enough because I’m still not prepared to start another battle with mind that I might lose what I’ve earned myself over the months.
The man who offers you sweets is the one who’s ambushing you.
The one who claims to love you, who claims to care for you, who claims to be your friend.
This is certainly not about adapting and accepting because I have adapted and accepted. But I’m just trying to get back what I deserve. What we deserve.
But there is no one to trust is there.
Because how well do that person who calls you every single day who sends you what not-s and who checks on you oh so frequently understands you?
It’s not about love here. It’s not about sex here. And it’s not about not having enough money to spend here. Because I reckon that is what every single person revolving around me is worried and thinking of right now.
And yes I am busy. I’m not busy dating. I’m not busy sleeping and I’m not busy having sex. Because I am not. But because there are other things that needs to be done. And there are things that needs to be fought for. And there are things that if you never try that hard to keep it burning, it will just diminish.
But for now,
No one believes.
And no one understands.
And no one cares.
And all you can is distract yourself and continue living in the world you are supposed to be in. and for all that is worth, one day it may all just be a dream.
But it’s not. And one day people will be there trying to show their regrets and trying to be sorry. I’m sorry for myself that we’re back at the same point.
In 2007.
Maybe god is punishing me. But he still loves me too much to make my life a complete hell. Because no matter how I look back, no matter how much I try to compare, I’m still luckier than someone right beside me.
It’s like my life has not much ironies.
And honey, I’m not hallucinating.
如果我想要的是出自于我言
那我想要的或许已不再重要
It’s so far the fastest year ever. Just like what fm says, it seems like you just woke up from a sleep and it has all come to an end.
I guess it’s been a tiring year with lots of confessions, truths, drama, changes.
And within this year, I think I’ve had conversations more that I ever had with them for the years I knew them. We get together to realize each and everyone of us has a side unknown to the world of light and as we welcome another brand new day, it seems that that humanity hidden deep beneath just vanishes into thin air. Back we are the ones whom we are supposed to be, expected to be. That fabricated self.
Fabrications are always the lovely tales that people remember. It’s better to live in a world of delusions filled with that nicely done up lies than to be showered by those cold harsh truth.
I think I’ve become psychotic over the year. If not for the fact I try to stay closeted, I might perhaps been ostracized by everyone. Maybe I’m closeted within my own fabrications that I do not realize I’ve been boycotted.
Being blinded was the best thing that ever happened for this year. At least it accompanied me through and made me believe for the fact that I was in the slightest happiness. But we do know, it just made me miserable. I just tried to ignore it.
Till day, I’m still trying my very best to stay blinded as possible. Because I still believe. In myself? In you actually. But I’m too aware that I’ve dragged you down to drown within that misery that I’ve planted.
Things might have been different.
For god’s sake. I think I’ve heard this countless times this year. And every single time I look at someone, you, him, her. It just reminds me how badly that person might have wanted things to be different. And you just look away, yes and still trying to take it that nothing happened and walk away without feeling the need to trash things out.
Because it will never make a difference again. But I guess, it affected me in a way or another.
Sometimes I do wish it was just me. That it was just my illusions that’s haunting me but no. Because you tried confronting and look straight into that pair of eyes and you don’t get any assurance back in a way or another. And you have to say something to wrap whatever you wanted from that party nicely. Hang it up as an ornament on that tree of disappointments.
There was a man who cried.
And I hate him.
For all that hard efforts I actually had to go through to make each day pass by. For all the dilemma and frustrations I had to go through at the moment. For all that sacrifices I had to make. For making my life not like a 19 year old but one that has to be carried with responsibilities for what I do what I say and every decision that I fucking make. Because I am tired, physically and mentally. And he made my life change. Like my life has not changed enough, one has to add to my misery of it.
And for every step I take, I not only look up to the sky and ask god why it has to rain and why the sun is so hot today. But I still remember every single word and every single fight and every single tear. I never really thought of harming anyone but hell, since I have to pay for something I am not guilty of but was as charged. Someone has to pay for all that cause right?
Because it not only make me completely lost but has taken almost everything I have left in this world. And maybe some people do not realize the pain of losing but some day, some people have to learn that. And of course, I’m still not brave enough because I’m still not prepared to start another battle with mind that I might lose what I’ve earned myself over the months.
The man who offers you sweets is the one who’s ambushing you.
The one who claims to love you, who claims to care for you, who claims to be your friend.
This is certainly not about adapting and accepting because I have adapted and accepted. But I’m just trying to get back what I deserve. What we deserve.
But there is no one to trust is there.
Because how well do that person who calls you every single day who sends you what not-s and who checks on you oh so frequently understands you?
It’s not about love here. It’s not about sex here. And it’s not about not having enough money to spend here. Because I reckon that is what every single person revolving around me is worried and thinking of right now.
And yes I am busy. I’m not busy dating. I’m not busy sleeping and I’m not busy having sex. Because I am not. But because there are other things that needs to be done. And there are things that needs to be fought for. And there are things that if you never try that hard to keep it burning, it will just diminish.
But for now,
No one believes.
And no one understands.
And no one cares.
And all you can is distract yourself and continue living in the world you are supposed to be in. and for all that is worth, one day it may all just be a dream.
But it’s not. And one day people will be there trying to show their regrets and trying to be sorry. I’m sorry for myself that we’re back at the same point.
In 2007.
Maybe god is punishing me. But he still loves me too much to make my life a complete hell. Because no matter how I look back, no matter how much I try to compare, I’m still luckier than someone right beside me.
It’s like my life has not much ironies.
And honey, I’m not hallucinating.
如果我想要的是出自于我言
那我想要的或许已不再重要
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